Open Relationships
Berlinerin, feminist, friend. I couldn't think of someone better to start out this series. ‘Interviews on Love’ aims to explore the wide spectrum of relationship models out there, however unconventional they may be, and create a safe space in which we can learn from each other’s experiences.
This interview is about the importance of communication in open relationships (sometimes referred to as dynamic), as much as it is about renegotiating boundaries in order to cultivate and strengthen the love and emotional monogamy existing between two people.
Can you tell our readers about your background?
Born and raised in Berlin Kreuzberg, where almost all kids in Kindergarten had two nationalities like me (Swiss and German), I never thought growing up bilingual (French/German) was something special. I was aware though, that growing up in a former squat which still lives a community-life (shared spaces, organic food, many neighbors that participated in the children’s education) was not normal. I knew, reading the books on sexual health education in the library corner of the after-school program (“Hort”) was something not to be done too obviously, but I did not know, that the availability of these books was not common, but rather an exception. This would happen many times in my life, having to re-shape what appeared to be "normal”, what appeared to be self-evident, what appeared to be average. That includes knowing the Turkish kitchen better than the German one, and the majority of my parents' friends being homosexual and that being just one of the two futures awaiting me. I remember thinking to myself, “Ich bin so gespannt, ob ich lesbisch werde oder nicht!”
After high school I travelled for 9 months on my own, started a Bachelors in history and German literature and lived in Romania for some time. I grew up with music, art-exhibitions, theatre and played in a band. I write poems, dance dance dance (on stage, ecstatically, in clubs and classes), try to stay politically involved with my main focus being feminism, LGBTQI* issues and climate change.
What was your upbringing like and how have your parents' lifestyle influenced the way you see sex within the context of romantic relationships?
My parents got married because of visa issues before my older sister was born and are still together in what I consider to be a happy marriage. A few years ago I did a speech at their silver wedding. Somehow, considering all the freakiness of my upbringing, they make me believe that there is something like true love, “the one and only”; and that there's a happily ever after. As a child, my biggest nightmares were of them separating or one of them cheating (and spiders, of course!). I would bitterly cry whenever they fought and begged them not to get divorced. I remember my mom telling me, “You know, it’s the couples that don’t fight, that get a divorce.” I think she forgot about this, but this sentence has stuck with me to this today. It says so much about communication, about the ups and downs within a relationship, about the differences of opinion no matter the depth of love for one another.
I also remember my mom telling someone else, “A long relationship means giving a lot of freedom.” Back then, I projected this phrase onto my dad leaving for Erasmus (they both studied until my sister and I entered primary school), leaving for an artist residency, leaving for a scholarship, each time for several months at a time. My mom left for longer periods of time as well. Nowadays, I can imagine that she also meant other things when she was talking of freedom… But these are details I never wanted to know anything about. Still don’t really.
Even though I very much believe in sex outside of the context of romance and romantic relationships (which is something else than cheating to me but I guess that will be discussed later on), it is a way of living I cannot project onto my parents. Maybe because I also grew up with Disney and fairy tales where marriage is the ultimate goal. Maybe (and most probably) because I don’t want to think about my parent’s sex life too much. And/or maybe because it is something that I get to explore year by year, living it and hearing about it, never having the one and only correct answer.
What is your stance on monogamy and polyamory?
People should do whatever they want to do, with the condition that they do it without hurting someone, including themselves. The terminology can be stretched so very much, yet if people are honest with themselves and everyone involved, the processes communicated and time to discuss is invested, any form of love can be lived. Who am I to have an opinion on other people’s love-constellations? But yes, we live in a world with a lot of judgement and I also have to discipline myself every once in a while to not have too strong of an opinion about someone else's lifestyle. I stay curious and open, and learn with every model of relationship and family that comes my way.
What is your idea of an ideal relationship?
Wow. Well, happiness I guess? A fulfilling sex-life for everyone included. Communication, honesty, respect. The quality time spent alone is as important as the quality time spent together. Accepting differences, finding compromises, having projects together, yet not being inseparable. Go with the flow and give space for the difficult times. Allow them, but also hold on and see if the good times come back. No violence of any form. Always continue to learn. Be open for change and willing to adapt. Grow old and love the wrinkles.
For women considering having an open relationship, what is the most important thing to keep in mind? What are the most difficult things about it, and the most rewarding?
First of all, “open relationship” is a term that is applied to a huge variation of lived loves. I can only speak from my own experience. To some, the term means having a different lover every other week and never talking about it with one another, for others it's being okay with sexual encounters at times of geographical distance but not at home and disclosing every single detail, if asked for. We are all so different in our needs and in our ways of being hurt, that an “open relationship” is something that needs to be experienced and which cannot be planned. Because rules can change once emotions come in, ideas need to be flexible. In the same way we constantly change, so do our desires and the love we experience. An open relationship is always a work in progress, that is never “ultimate” or can achieve a finalised version. One year this hurts me, the next it doesn’t. The only way to explore these hurt feeling is to talk about them. Express them. Respect them. Let them heal. Sometimes they pass quicker than you think leaving you both with a greater understanding for one another. In the process, you learn something new about yourself and together with your partner are able to adjust and adapt a "rule", "guideline,” “ideal”. I use a lot of quotes here because I really want to emphasize the idea that we all associate these terms with different things and that none of them are self-evident or necessary to appear in someone’s definition of an “open relationship”.
To me, an open relationship is not polyamory. It is being in love with one person and having sexual experiences with others. To me, being polyamorous is being in love with several people, maybe being in relationships with all of them, maybe adding sexual partners to the loved ones. To me, the possibility for cheating shrinks and therefore erases most of the reasons for which monogamous couples break up.
My partner and I talk about everything. What is most difficult to me, is seeing the other person having to digest certain information, being hurt, feeling distant from me. But then time passes, the intensity of our love is felt and things quickly get back to “normal”. And yes, imagining her with someone else hurts once I hear it, but I know what we have built up together, what we give each other and how hardly this can be endangered by some short-lived connection with someone else.
What is incredibly rewarding is the absence of bad consciousness while flirting, and the confirmation of our love that is underlined every single time one of us connects with someone else. Because we know what we have, and we know that if one of us develops more emotions after a sexual connection with someone else, this will be part of our conversation. And so we are safe, to know the truth. We can trust each other. Believe in the “I love you”.
